Monday, March 28, 2011

Holy shitx9001

Those of you who deciphered CCV's 'mysterious' post are probably wondering why nothing happened yesterday. Well, the truth of the matter is that I have been in the police department thanks to the events that transpired. What events? Listen up guys.

So there I am, midday Sunday, just woke up, no breakfast, and watching Fruits Basket on my computer (Watching a second time to see how it has aged), when all of a sudden I hear a THUMP from the living room. Now, earlier I found a note from my Dad saying he had taken Mom, Heather, and our dogs to a mountain trip. I generally dislike them, so they didn't wake me. That left me alone in my house as I heard threatening noises from the front of the house, on the day following receiving threats from an unnamed stalker. Oh, and I'm already Slenderstalked, so add that to the paranoid stew. I've always been a cautious guy, but add the previously described description and I decided there was no way I was going to check the sound without a weapon. A quick scan around the room showed me my two options: replica katana of Masamune from Highlander, or an aluminum golf driver. I went with the driver.

After I slowly crept down the hallway, I peeked around the corner, and there he was. Average looking guy, five foot six or seven, sweatshirt and pants. Yeah, pretty normal aside from the mask he wore around his face. I also noticed he had a knife in his hand. Bad news. Luckily he hadn't noticed me looking (he was looking to see if anyone noticed him), so I moved away from his line of sight. I heard him hit the door, again and again, until it shattered. He stepped into the living room, coming towards the hallway at an even pace. Just as he came around the bend for the hallway, I konked hit in the face with my driver. Hard. Now, despite what movies tell you, a blow to the head does not equal lights out. Instead he just stumbled backwards and ran into a chair, falling flat on his ass. While he was still dazed I ran up on checked his balls with my metal. That put him out. Then I did what I'm surprised most of you don't: I called the cops. I told them a strange man broke into my house with a knife, damaged my family's property, and I knocked him the fuck out. They sent a nearby patrol car over, read him his rights and locked him up. From what I hear he still isn't talking to the cops, just says cryptic stuff about Him. Lame. My friends were hit in similar circumstances, but I won't ruin there stories by attempting to convey them by proxy (PUNS). Instead I'll have them post soon with what they saw and how they responded.


  1. Well, I guess I should start first and foremost with a giant FUCK YOU! Now that you have gotten me into this godforsaken shit, I can't help but keep whatever weapon I can find in my house with me at all times. I guess I owe it to everyone to explain my sentiments more precisely.

    It all started on Sunday, sometime around 1:00 p.m. It was a quiet day so far, filled with replaying of Mass Effect 1 and withdraws from my now canceled World of Warcraft account. You have to beat an addiction somehow.

    Anywho, I was just heading into my kitchen to get some delicious cake that my mom had baked the day before. My whole family is Italian so we have random celebratory deserts quite often. I was midway through slicing a cake when I heard a soft rapping from behind me. Now, for those of you that do not know my house, this sound could only be coming from my back yard, which is heavily fenced in. I turned around and saw some being tapping the glass with a large butchers knife. The being's expression must have been that of delighted joy, seeing as how it seemed to roll its head slowly back and forth and continue tapping on the window. I could not see its expression, however, because it was wearing a mask.

  2. I put the piece of cake down and fully turned to the window. What the person outside didn't realize, however, was that it was tapping on the only closed side of the window. The open side of the window is covered with a dirty screen that should really be cleaned. I started to wash my hands, seeming as unnerved by the person as I could, and then I grabbed the tiny sink hose for washing dishes. With one swift motion, I flicked the sink on full bast and mega hot and proceeded to spray it into the side of this masked persons face and onto their shirt. Being the guy that I am, and seeing someone who could barely reach the 5 foot high window, I happened to look down at this persons body.

    It was a girl. A girl in a wet, white shirt that was covered in red and said, "This is my zombie killing shirt" on it. She was wearing black jeans and some sort of black and white shoes that looked a lot like the converse that I never seem to wear. She was not all too happy about being covered in scolding hot water, so she attacked the screen side of the window with the knife. Luckily, my reflexes kept me up to par and I slammed the window shut just in time for her to hit the window, hard, and drop the knife in pain of her hand vibrating. The windows are thick and surrounded by metal framing. Don't judge the house.

  3. She went and picked up her knife as I fumbled for something that would be a good weapon inside of my kitchen. I fumbled through knives but I couldn't find anything to give me a great advantage. Then I remembered my heritage and location. An Italian in a Kitchen. I turned the stove top on max and pulled a few pans out of the area below the stove itself. I grabbed the PAM spray and sprayed as much of my linoleum kitchen floor as I can before I heard the inevitable smash of my sliding glass door leading to my backyard.

    I tossed the PAM into the sink to hide it and opened the fridge. I grabbed salsa container after salsa container and chucked them at her. One of them was a cheese salsa jar and it smacked her right in the chest. This would normally only hurt and not stop you, but she was a girl. She doubled over for a minute, and it gave me some more of the time I needed. I grabbed more things from my fridge and chucked them at her full force.

    This may sound like a weak kind of fight, so I think I might need to explain this a little more. She was about 5'6" and around 150lbs. I am around 5'11" and around 200lbs. I outweighed and towered over her by quite a lot.

    She continued exactly as I hoped she would. She charged full force at me. Luckily my last improvised missile had been launched from my arms, so I managed to pick up the moderately hot pan and swing it down, full force. She had been charging too top heavy and slipped on the sprayed PAM on the ground. My hit connected directly with her back as she fell down. She cried out in pain, dropped the knife, and hit the ground hard. I proceeded to pick her up by her hair and shirt, drag her over the linoleum, and taker her to the door. I set her up against it and socked her in the mouth a couple of times for good measure. I grasped my hand around her throat, took off her mask, stared into her empty eyes, and proceeded to choke her. Something made me feel like killing her and I knew it was Him, trying to fuck with me.

    I caught myself at the right moment. I had her off of her feet, being held up by her throat and pushed against my closed front door. I got close to her ear and whispered, "If any of you motherfuckers try and come back and do this shit again, I swear to whatever fucking god you believe in that I will send you to him in the bloody shit pulp form that you deserve to be in. Now get the fuck out of my house." and with that I dropped her. I kicked her out of the way, opened the door, carried her outside, and threw her off of the fucking porch. She landed with a thud and laid there for a few minutes. She eventually got up and limped off, slowly at first but slowly speeding up. I closed my door, locked it, and went back to my fucking slice of cake.

    Since then, things have been quiet, but now I carry my knives closer to my side that they ever have been.

  4. Finally I found this blog. I would like to first say why the fuck did you have to point that bastard out Roy! Second, thank you. At least now my paranoia and insomnia are justified.

    Sunday is when it hit here. I took lunch at 12:30ish as my habit. The house was empty because my parents are fond of the casino over in the next town. It was just me and my pets.

    The dogs are what started me. The boy did his high pitched bark he does at strangers or when he was to pee. I couldn't see any car or person from my window, so I assumed they had to pee. I took my cane and my keys. The school trip to state helped me see that I needed to be careful everywhere.

    They wouldn't come downstairs to the backyard. Through the large window I saw someone. The man was a little taller then me, about six feet. He had a crappy mask on, looked like some Halloween rejection.

    Bleeding Hell, was my first thought. Second was the son of a bitch has a knife in his hand. Third, reproduction katana in the closet.

    I grabbed the sword and dropped the cane in the doorway just in case. My thoughts were "Why is it here?" "What will it do?" I shook the thoughts out and focused one goal: get away from my parent's home.

    I jumped out the window behind the television to my right. The thing was either touched in the head or didn't see me. Probably just messing with me now that I look back one it. I climbed the low fence between my yard and shouted at it. It charged and I ran. Never saw something move with that kind of grace.

    The rain turned my road to muddy hell. Slowed me down more than him. The thing tore through the hills; cross country flash backs helped me.

    I lead it out to the middle of the woods. No one around for at least a quarter mile. I made my move.

    I got lucky, I admit it, by busting that bastards head with the blunt side. Only reason I lived is 'cause Lady Lucky winked at me. Score board by the end of the day was Slendy down one whatever those things are called.

    He is fucking with us. Next time, I feel, will be worse. I need to stay focused on my goal: Survive and guard my family.

  5. You guys are in some seriously DEEP shit. Stick together and stay sane.